Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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