Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
