Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Semen is not good for contacts.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
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