I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
