I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
pop tarts are not kleenex
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
