We won't sleep together?
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
