i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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