I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Randomize
