The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
