somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
