This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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