Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
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