I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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