I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
