i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
