She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
