i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
MIDGETS
????
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Randomize
