i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Randomize
