He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
We had sex on a dog bed..
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
