i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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