i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
Randomize
