Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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