today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
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