did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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