It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
