if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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