im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
