Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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