Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Randomize
