just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
