Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Randomize
