During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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