my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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