Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
she smelled like a LAN party
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
