there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
