I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
