Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
i jhust puked up my retainher.
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
