You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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