Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
