Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize