awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Randomize
