He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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