just come out here and I will go home with you...
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Randomize
