So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
