i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
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