I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
someone threw a dead crab at me
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
