she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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