I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
