the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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