The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
