You don't have asthma, your pregnant
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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