You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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