I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
