Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
