his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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