I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Randomize
