so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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