I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
a search helicopter?!
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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