The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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